After my recent problem, I’ve got some issues. I easily got anxious, anger, distracted, fluttered, exhausted, and many bad emotions. Which I aware that it’s so freakin’ normal for a person who had any problems — especially in facing separation.
Everything was so hard and uncontrolable. A part of me said that sure I can accept this as a life lesson, another me said that everything is fucked up. I really am want to give up, but.. another me also said that I’m in pain and it’s ok to feel this way, and please… survive. You need to survive.
And here I am. With ups and downs, and still.. I survived, at least ‘till today.
People come and go, and I realized that I can’t force them to stay. People can come and go, except me, for my self.. only me that could stay for myself. It’s only me, at the end.
Another thing I couldn’t stop in a way of searching happiness is… the way I need a person who can be here besides me. And again, knowing that I can’t force them to stay, a bit making me worry and lost. Even I gave them the best version of me — everything, I can’t force them to choose me as their friends or lover, and when it happens, a little me said that I’m the one who is wrong and not enough.
Still. Everything is too fast, I should be calm and stop overthink especially of the things I can’t control — people response, how others treat me, and so on.
Because, yes, we go back to these:
“People come and go, and we can’t force them to stay.”
At the time I know those reality, I finally made a kind of defense, I created a shortcut. I flight, trying to escape, and wishing to forget everything day by day.
This kind of shortcut kinda works on me, sometimes. In other time, I feel… helpless. I couldn’t even wake up from blue feelings. It’s like drowning at the bottom of the ocean, and alone waiting a spirit taking my soul and bring me to death. Alone.
Lucky, I wake up and yesterday has passed. I’m facing today, and.. the shortcut has been set on default. I need to be ready for today. But the thing wasn’t easy. I wake up alone and tired. I can’t feel the air but narrow and so hard to breath. I’m alone facing the reality.
Yes, beack to default, I need to create my own shortcut. An escape plan to survive.