Do I Miss Him or… the Idea of Being Loved by H….. Someone?
I’ve been asking so many times. Looking back to the past, trying to find the missing piece I didn’t realize. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything in this world. I think I’m such a worse person, luzzer. People made mistakes, and so do I, but the feelings became worse over time.
My life has been changed. So many things happened in these past 4 years.
Ups and downs, and I don’t know why — still figuring it out, these 3 months have been so long time with sorrow and tears, and… no taste for doing things done. Been so lazy, unmotivated, and sad over time.
Something is missing.
Like my whole body has been so sick and got pain every time I overthink things. Kinda psychosomatic, isn’t it? Yeah, it is.
Or, simply because I can’t “feel it” again?
I can’t feel love and passion.
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Tahun lalu adalah tahun yang penuh dengan pembelajaran, yang semuanya serba “baru” gue pelajari. Dari mulai naik gunung sendirian, nonton film bioskop sendirian, sampai nonton konser sendirian, semuanya gue jabanin meski gue sendirian.
Iya, prosesnya memang panjang dan rumit sampai akhirnya gue seberani itu melakukan hal ekstrim sendirian. Tapi justru itu, di situ gue bener-bener ngerasa kalau ya… hal yang gue lakuin itu ya “gue banget”, dan gue mau melakukan itu lagi. Ngga mau tahu, harus ada season 2 “merayakan aku”, merayakan kesendirian.
But, this year….
Di awal tahun, awal banget januari saja gue sudah dapat kabar ngga enak dari keluarga gue sendiri — yang bikin gue overthink sendiri. Gimana mau selesai kalau cuma dipikir di kepala?
I don’t wanna be the one who’s trying, who always initiates.
Can I just be a follower?
Jujur, gue sudah males banget — di titik yang males banget — memulai. Pengen semuanya jelas, tapi jangan gue yang mulai bisa ngga? Kebisingan ini terjadi di keluarga gue. And to be honest, gue cuma mau pergi, biar bebas bising.
Hal ini rupanya memengaruhi emosi gue, dan terutama hubungan gue di luar personal. uknowwhatimean.
Apa ENFP emang ngga bisa dikasih stress ya?
Tapi mungkin gue harus coba tes MBTI lagi deh, soalnya gue rasa-rasa, saat ini gue udah susah banget menikmati hidup. Bawaannya tuh ingin menyerah, ngga bisa santai. Tunggu. Ini cuma skenario pertahanan diri gue aja, sih.
Mel, chill, Mel…
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I’ve realized that “love”, and “the lover” itself, aren’t the answer.
After 4 months without scrolling through any dating apps, last week, I tried again, and now I already deleted the apps, and yes, surely I found nothing. If I found someone, I might not write this post.
I’m not enjoying the perks of being a spontaneous person while anybody asking about me. Where do you live? Ngekos? Kerja apa? Suka kucing?
God! I don’t have the energy to answer those kinds of questions.
Definisi capek. Capek mulai. Capek ngejelasin gue ini siapa, makanan yang gue suka apa, hewan favorit gue apa, musik kesukaan gue apa, gue capek! *crying*
Kayak… Bisa ngga sih sat set aja udah?
Atau, lebih buruknya, bisa ngga sih gue lanjut aja sama mantan gebetan yang ngga jadian kemarin? WKWKWK.
CAPEK, BENERAN.
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Anyways…
To answer the “q” why on the title, I’m thinking a lot. Looking back to the fullest me — or I never am “full”? — sitting in the corner while opening the memories of good and bad situations of my life, had a deep breath…
I still need to know who I am.
God still gives me a chance to grow and learn, by myself. With the only myself.
So many things I’m willing to do, and I’ve never done, and God gives me more time to look back, to see, to value myself, to say “Mel, these are the lists you need to do. Do it all, Mel!”
I thank God, for these feelings, so deep down inside I can find the answer why within myself.
Another meaning is… you don’t need a man yet, Mel. Not for now.
My energy should taken to build myself enough, not to look for my “dream man”, yang mungkin ngga akan ada, for now — yea, masih percaya kalau akan ada nanti laki yang memenuhi checklist gue. Other than that, I need to upgrade myself enough to be checked on someone’s list, isn’t it?
So, I’ll try myself to chill. To comfort myself. To find the missing piece of myself.
