Do I Miss You, or I Miss The Moment We’re…?

Agnicia Rana
3 min readDec 8, 2022

Another story…

Source: Pinterest.

We’re met at the moment I’m trying to lookin’ for romance. With no hopes and.. sincerity to let everything flow just like water. But still, inside, I wish I could find a man who wanted me and draw romance on our white and clean canvas, together.

So, without telling myself that you’re potential (cause after I stated that you have such potential, you become more interesting — yes, you are). You had a good and smart personality. The way you talk is like an educated man that half of me whos always wanted.

We could talk like best friend — of course, you’re trying to make it works, at the beginning. Cause yea, “p” things. Sure, I knew that you were interested in my body and mind but about my heart, not me as a whole person.

I’ve said to you that I wanted a romance, and you said that you’re afraid of it — you wanted it to be casual. And I don’t know why, there was a time I told you to meet up, to enjoy the night together.

You always talk like a gentle responsible man. As I remembered, yes, that’s not for my needs — but yours. Ex: you said we need to use a condom while we’re having sex it’s because you don’t want to have kids that way. Do you ever ask me how I feel while I’d have sex without feelings? I don’t think I could. Part of me wanted sex for about 45%, and the rest 55% I wanted to be loved.

After several weeks we get close, and now, everything seems like not worthy, useless.

What I said the first time before we enter this kind of relationship (bswb: best friend with benefit — you named it) is, “If we never try how will we know”, These words don’t even need to be proven because… I think no more interest in you, for me. And that’s ok.

I’m born to feel this way. Later I’m sure I’ll realize that I must give myself rest of mind — of thinking about romance. Cause I was born alone, and sure I’ll die alone.

Ironically, I miss you.

After the words I write above, I still could say that “I miss you”. I miss the way we’re trying to be there for each other. I miss the way we talk about nonsense. I miss the way you were angry about your job. I miss the way I’m hoping you and you were there, trying your best to be my bestie — maybe because you wants any “benefits”.

Since you’re my bestie, I won’t push you to the wall on trying to make us a couple. I’ll support your decision by trying to not chat you regularly. It’ll help, I guess.

I wish the best for you, by trying to eliminate even the small feelings for you. And I wish for my mental health, to survive, to be brave and chill.

Longlast relationship is about to find the right person at the right time.

I’ll enjoying myself, repres my emotions while everything is about you, And move on slowly.



Agnicia Rana

Sebuah perjalanan pencarian jati diri. Tempat misuh-misuh. #MemulaiKembali