Little Storm

I’ve never felt like this before. I know, it just for a while.

The day I realized that life has ways of making us learn, the day I understood that everything has never been easy but we’ve always be able to pass it.

I’m continuing to read a book. My favorite book so far, yet, it’s like the opened window that will never save me from the storm that might come from outside. It might kill me, and I let it open, I commit never to close it, because from here— inside — I could see everything, including my bitterness, my questions of everything cruel inside me — my head.

The book from Mbak Ester Lianawati, “Akhir Penjantanan Dunia” has opened my eyes, showing me the answers to so many questions I’ve ever asked. About my life, about the truth of being a woman.

Life is a paradox, isn’t it?

The wedding was such a happy experience and blessing, and after, marriage became a hell, a punishment, a bad luck we won’t ever ask for in gatcha machines or any lotteries.

Made us stuck, but, made us learn at the same time.

Made us die, but, made us survive whatever the ways we choose.

I just finished a word that said, “The real form of the patriarchy is domestic abuse”, made me freeze for a minute. I drowned in such a situation. I drowned in the shallow sea, and I couldn’t wake up easily. There’s a string stuck in my feet, I couldn’t move up.

I’ve tried. I’ve been trying to deal with this for a long time, two years, and still, that’s not enough. I don’t have the energy to ever think and learn about this. Why should I experience this shit? Why me?

Everything shall pass, isn’t it?

Then I need to take a rest and… have a little escape plan, to not think about those situations, right? I’ll try. I’ll always try.