The Last Heartbender

I don’t even know if the term “Heartbender” does exist or not, but lemme mention it as known for a new phrase of self-control in a relationship — that evolved “feelings” — , while you deal with someone who can’t fulfill your (high) expectations.

A person whom I just dealt with — and now, I don’t even know what the definition of “us”, because he always said, “Let us enjoy this kind of thing”, while I ask later, “What thing?”, he will answer, “To know each other. We never know the future, isn’t it?”

“Yea, but we can make it.” —

Am I putting myself into another bulging investment?

This year, I’ll turn 29, the last twenties — of course, if God still gives me His time for me. Trying to define who am I, the things I want in life, and make a new list of my standards, these experiences are expensive, right?

Knowing ourselves is such a long journey, and while you think you can pass it, you can just break everything and back to point zero, and that’s ok, that’s fine. We are only human, we’re unique, and our life dynamically changes.

I know I’m an anxious person, who always asks for validation, relationship status, time, and attention. When I don’t get it from my relatives or romance partner, I’ll throw the drama to the surface, making nonsense noises. That’s me, with my inner wounds.

I met an avoidant.

It’s been a year, since the first time I met him. We were put each other on the table, tryin’ to know each other better in a good healthy way. I was so nervous yet so excited at that moment. He was all good, and caring and fed my ego with my essential love language: words of affirmation.

He gave his time for me, and tryin’ to make this relationship — idk what it named, but as far I agree with, we’re committed to each other in romance life — works.

We had the same taste in music, we shared a lot of our activities every time we could — eventho his job is not as flexible as mine, he kept informing me his activities, and that’s so pleasant — , we shared our dreams — my dreams, for sure.

He never shows me his life behind, his room — his deep scars.

After 3 months of communicating intensively— without seeing each other — , everything turned worse. I still remember that day when for the first time I asked him, “Can we move forward? As a boyfriend and girlfriend?”

Then he changed, suddenly.

He doesn’t want it.

For him, having a relationship status will ruin his life and his freedom. He’ll feel less free. Knowing each other, and giving each other live updates every day about activities or everything will be so annoying and demanding for him — after we become a couple.

So, what are we doing in these three months?

Everything we did is what the couple usually do in terms of respecting their partner, aren’t we? Aren’t we like a couple after three months tryin’ to know each other in romantic ways?

After that, we — he — kept our distance. Everything I asked for became a demand for him. He became unreachable, untouchable, and I understood that I needed to end everything.

We ended up. How could I say it was a breakup when we had never been “a couple”? Funny, isn’t it? I lost my mind, while I knew he was quite well after all the things that happened. He could do everything for free without anyone annoying him.

We had lost contact for several months, and he came back by giving me a lot of likes for every story I posted on Instagram. Without saying anything, he was just bombed like my Instagram story, making me notice that he was there seeing me.

Stupid me, with anxiously attached… I sent him a message to his DM, and… that’s how we start again. For only a month, because I’m busy looking for his time and himself.

Of course, he became a lost man. He had lost, and he’ll be back after he feels better — when he wants.

Life had never been easy, and at that point, I felt worse.

I let him enter my life free. Doing anything he wants, trying to accept him the way he is. But, the way he treated me somehow triggered me, as an anxious person.

At that time, I was so unstable. It’s all about him. My happiness depends on how he treated me. Lemme underline: he wasn’t that bad, he’s just an avoidant.

I wanted everything clear so I rushed, and he was overcautious.
I wanted emotional closeness, but he avoided emotional closeness.
It’s easy for me to overshare my feelings, but he always suppresses his feelings.
I am a hopeless romantic — I always need closure and intimacy, he’s skeptical of true love.
I always ask for commitment while he is afraid to commit himself to a relationship.

So, is it because we can’t accept each other, or yes, we designed not to be a match since day one?

An avoidant always hurts me, while he will always push me away and think that we — anxious — are the problem.

— He came again, after months of no contact.

He chats my telegram, and asks about my life. I didn’t reply, until 2 days after — fool me!

And we don’t need a long time to end everything again — after I agree to proceed with this kind of relationship from the beginning. The pattern was so similar and I should know that we didn’t belong to each other. Because I’m anxious and he’s an avoidant.

Day one we chatted, everything was so beautiful. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach, and I feel so grateful that finally he came back. I told him about the pattern of our relationship, and he said that he wanted to know me eventho he didn’t know where he’ll bring this relationship.

I feel dumb! He dumbed me. My expectations dumbed me.

It’s maybe just a week until I feel enough — I feel too weak and too tired to continue this shit. Yea, the pattern was so clear, I could see it. He came with a thousand hopes, and he pulled away after. He said he was busy and… feeling blue, stressed(?) — I can’t understand — and I feel rejected again.

I’m busy thinking

I miss him, but I need to heal myself.