What You Really Wants in Life

Agnicia Rana
3 min readFeb 28, 2023

Self-reflection thoughts.

It’s been a month since I wake up at 6–7am everyday without waiting for the mood to take a morning shower. Cause I need to arrive at the office before 9:15, for now, so I’ve learned how to be dicipline (I need to learn it far before today, I guess).

Making sure I get the bus early, so I have to start walking to the bus stop at 8 am, so I’ll get the bus at least before 8:20. Still, with my jacket and wet hair, I walk every morning. From my boarding house, to the bus stop (600 m), then, from bus stop near my office to my office (1,1 km). That’s enough to make me wet. Everyday.

I felt better.

Around the way to office-and a way back to a place where I lived, so I have many times to enjoying words in my minds. I’m using my earphone, listening to comfort songs, sometimes I read a book, talking to my self — mostly asking to her about “What you really wants in life?”. Again. Everyday.

I wanna stand by myself. Be bold, brave and confident to take every step, small or even big step in my life. I wanna be calm and quite — sometimes I think I’m too much talking, and over share everything. It’s easyly for me to trust a person — a man whom I think he likes me. And guess what I’ve got? Dissapointment.

Sometimes, I’m tired of being me who always put my happiness on what’s people think about me, about how people treat me — or how I want people treat me. So, I gave my best and always, always, always asking to them to give me a good feedback.

It’s hard of being me, or I made myself even harder?

I think I have interest to someone. I don’t know yet since what I wanted in relationship is a presence of that person. I want him to be here, besides me. Talk nicely to me, admire my good smell and shining hair, give me compliment of my good cooking skills, talk to me everyday about good things of me…

Question is… do I ready to give the same as I wanted to get?

In my last relationship, I found that I always wishing him to give everything, every efforts he could give, and yes, he gave me everything. Until he forget every promises, and he made me asking myself, am I good as his spouse? Am I good as a wife? As a lover?

That question, honestly, still… I can’t answer it.

Talking about feelings, in my head, it’s always related to finance and romance. Both are things that could boost my happiness — both makes me feel happy. I couldn’t make a different between life and love. Between my happiness with myself with or without men. Between my happiness with or without money — actually it’s easier since we realized that we can buy anything with money, including happiness.

Life will never been easy. Life will always hard.

Things I realized after my big failures, I need to know myself to define what I want, what I need, and what’s really makes me happy.

The answer is still…. I don’t know.

I used to accept everyone whose coming into my life. For whatever the reasons: mostly I think they want me as a lover, as a home – which actually I’m the one who need it. Yes, I need home.

To where I belong. To where I feel safe. To the place I could enjoy myself as a human being. To give and get appreciations. To share stories. To enjoying the body and soul of ours — of togetherness. To give and get love every inch, from bottom to top, back to bottom and to top again.

A place where I will never feel lonely.
A place where I will never get hurt.

Does it — the place exist?

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Agnicia Rana

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