Why Don’t You Let Me Break Your Heart Again

Agnicia Rana
6 min readApr 4, 2023

Still you take up all my mind
I don’t even think that you care like I do
I should stop
Heaven knows I’ve tried

— Song by Laufey and Philharmonia Orchestra.

I did write a story about my feelings when I tried so hard to not put expectation to anybody — to a man I knew and I think that we have the same feelings (Read: He’s Typing). And the story between us had fully meet the ending (Read: The Path).

And after, yet, I met a new guy…. and after that, I met another…

Wait, should I make a list of the guys I’ve met and ended up with heart broken?

Pathetic.

I don’t think I deserve to blame myself. Everything comes to our life to make us learn — SHIT. Tried so hard to believe those words. And, yes, I feel better.

But still, I fall again. Into the deep hole which I already see in the first day I decided to reply his message on instagram. I knew, I haven’t finished with myself yet. I’m not healed enough. I need to do things which more important than looking for “love”.

Because I’m not healed enough.

But, in the name of… kindness and a lil of emptiness I felt — even till today, so I replied his message. Without any expectations.

I thought he is my old friend. But then I saw his profile and dunno why I follow him back. That’s how he entered my life. Because I let him in.

It was fun and intense afterall, and we’re decided to move into another private platform. I thought it was a new beginning of… the pain.

Talking to him was like you play a game. Full of mistery and challenges — yet so addicted — and while you could finish a round, you will feel like an achievement — cause you’ll know him more, then you’ll enter another round.

Since the beginning, we decided to get to know of each other.

He’s kind and gentle and always try to give everything that I need. He always make sure that I’m comfortable enough everyday. I love the way he cares about my feelings. I love the way he tried to makes me comfortable. I love the way he put humours in the middle of our conversations — it’ll always make me smile and laugh.

Me, with every pains surrounding my body, which every centimeter have wounds.. Me, who’s always seeking for attention… What I understand from his words, is… he will accept me as a whole person.

I did rejected every hopes and expectation, at the beginning. I tried to make sure of everything that he wanted for me is mutual, and I accept every words coming from his mouth and yes, I did trust him.

He’s so respectful and warm. His words are so calming and meaningful. His voices fully take my attention — yes, he has sucha deep voice that might kill your heart. I’m totally dead.

He’s good at playing his guitar and yes, he’s so talented. He even got his own stage, with his smile during his performance.

I love the way he put smile on his face.

Everything was so beautiful.

Time by time, day by day, the more he’s trying to reassure his feelings to me, and make me sure of everything happened between us: the more I trust him, the more I attracted to him. And yes, I like him. I think he likes me either — as always.

We sent much of affirmations — him with the guitar and songs, and.. poets, me with letters and positives words I tried to believe that it’ll works. We had mutual interest.

We talked of the future we always dreamed of. About the live we’d love to living, the hobbies; the activities we should spend together if we’re finally see each other (yes, we haven’t meet yet because of the distances), even the name of his future kids… And the prayers and hopes: that everything between us will always be alright.

Everything was so fast and I didn’t count it very well. It was too fast to trust someone new, it was too fast to trust someone and believe that he’s the one, it was just too fast to make mutual romance — relationship — again.

I don’t know why but my heart was so stuck and I couldn’t think but him. Worst thing worst is… I did — finally — put expectation on him, and… yes, expectation comes with bad outcomes — with responses we’re never wanted.

I become emotionally dependent to him — a guy whom I never meet before.

I started waiting his messages, his calls, his activities.. I even worrying if he’s sick or feeling sad and broken. Looking for his stories of life and what’s happening to him. But sometimes he refused it. He will be more comfortable with himself. Doing things alone — going to coffee shop or solo camp — than tell me what happened.

I’m ok with that, but I did wondering why he can’t easyly open up to me. I thought his feeling is… empty for me — later I know he was not sure of me, actually.

I don’t like when he choosed to stay alone and leave me for several days. Feels like I’m nothing to him. Sometimes I felt like he gave me silent treatment which is so bad in relationship, isn’t it?

One day he told me that I’m too much. I demand him for too much: because I always asked him to call me, to give him his time — which is hard because of his job, and tbh I’m ok with that. It made me sad and feel rejected.

Am I — that — TOO MUCH?

I’m trying to understand him like the way he tried to understand me as a person. But maybe I failed. To give him comfort place to share everything, to give him warm feelings. I did failed.

And after argued for several time, and came back again to each other..

Now we are stop talking. Eventho I miss him so bad, but I’m trying to trust myself more than his feelings – which I knew every responses are just defense. And I think I shouldn’t take it hard. But I trust myself.

Same as him who is tired of myself, I also tired of myself. I’m tired of hoping and dreaming about love and someone. Someone who’s perfect never exist, and I’m tired of looking. I’m tired to convince anybody about my capability of understanding or accepted them, so I won’t begging. I will never begging someone anyone. Never.

He came to me without permission — I never asked him to come. And leaving our dreams, go outta this kinda relationship — which I actually didn’t know what is US actually, because he can’t give me assurance — is his decisions.

And to not begging him to stay is my decision either.

Asking to myself, “Am I hurted him that much?”

It’s like every uncomfortable moments are because of me, because of the way I treated him. If it’s yes, then yes, right. I failed.

So, should I accept everyhing with happy smiley face? Should I be ready always anytime he call me or chat me — and he could rejected me while I need him? And I shouldn’t be worry if he will leave me or not and be patient while I’m waiting without knowing when he will contact me?

I don’t think that’s fair for me.

That’s the reason why I will never begging him to stay. At the end, every dreams we dreamed of together, every plans we wanted to achieve, even the playlist we made to make us closer and every effort we gave to each other… every second we spend to know each other.. had meet the ending.

If it’s my fault, so you got wound in you heart,

Eventho I still remember the promises you said to convince me that everything we’ve been doing so far will never end in vain, that you will always convince me to stay and learn each other everyday, that you already accepted me as a whole person…

Then why…

don’t you let me break your heart again?

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Agnicia Rana

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